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All Quotes by author - Henny Youngman
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
Months
Pay
Man
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Sick
Soup
Woman
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Poor
Man
Student
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Marriage
Love
Know
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Page
Crazy
Him
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Funny
First
You
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
She
Mother
Selling
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Again
You
Your
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
Trash
Pay
Man
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
Holidays
Up
Christmas
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Horse
Took
Him
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Time
Afraid
Dead
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Finding
Back
Wife
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Two
Quit
Places
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
Money
Got
Four
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
New
New York
Time
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Need
Over
Right
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Tell
Son
You
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
Wear
Wash
She
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Hips
Match
She
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
Been
Face
Her
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Time
Music
Marriage
" Take my wife... Please! "
Please
Wife
Take
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Time
Start
Position
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