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" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
Steven Wright
Now
Gone
Dog
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" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
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" I have felt cats rubbing their faces against mine and touching my cheek with claws carefully sheathed. These things, to me, are expressions of love. "
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" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
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" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
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" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
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" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
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" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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" It is impossible for a lover of cats to banish these alert, gentle, and discriminating friends, who give us just enough of their regard and complaisance to make us hunger for more. "
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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
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" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "
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" I love cats. "
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" All I want in life is to pet my dog and cat. After that, all I want to do is post photos of them. Mostly because they're the cutest things ever, but also because I don't have to worry about how ugly I look in the photo. "
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" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "
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" I've teamed up with PetSmart Charities to celebrate the five million homeless pets who've found homes through their in-store adoption centers, and to spread the word about how we can work together to save millions more pets' lives and, ultimately, end pet homelessness. "
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" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "
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