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" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

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" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "