Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

Related Quotes:

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "