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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

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" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

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" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

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" How young can you die of old age? "

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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

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" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

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" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "