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" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

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" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "