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" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

Steven Wright

Door

You

Yes

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" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

Steven Wright

Anything

General

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

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" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

Steven Wright

Just

Here

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

Steven Wright

Circular

Get

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "