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" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

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" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "