Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

Related Quotes:

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "