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" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

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" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "