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" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "