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" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

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" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" So, do you live around here often? "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "