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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
Steven Wright
You
Park
Place
Related Quotes:
" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
Steven Wright
Children
Books
Purpose
" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "
Steven Wright
Then
You
Succeed
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
Steven Wright
Suspect
Curiosity
While
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Off
Talk
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
Steven Wright
Childhood
Everything
Wrong
" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
Steven Wright
Way
Visionary
Future
" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
Steven Wright
Sleep
You
Mistakes
" How young can you die of old age? "
Steven Wright
Young
Old
Die
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He
" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
Steven Wright
Imagination
Thought
Feeling
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Turn
You
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "
Steven Wright
Evolution
Theory
Adopted
" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
Steven Wright
World
Kid
Eyes
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
Steven Wright
You
Running
Doing
" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "
Steven Wright
Kept
Mind
Daydream
" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
Steven Wright
Make A Difference
Always
Difference
" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "
Steven Wright
Like
Universe
Talk
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
Steven Wright
Write
Writing
Reading
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
Steven Wright
Everyday
Talking
Jokes
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
Steven Wright
Going
You
Would
" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "
Steven Wright
Say
Attention
Day
" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "
Steven Wright
Dressed
Jokes
Think
" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
Steven Wright
Somewhere
Elephant
Pet
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
Steven Wright
Country
Live
Skiing
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
Steven Wright
School
Know
Home