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" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

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" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "