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" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
Steven Wright
World
Kid
Eyes
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" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
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" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
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" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
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" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
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" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
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" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "
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" I'm addicted to placebos. "
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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
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" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
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" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
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" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
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" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
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" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
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" How young can you die of old age? "
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Young
Old
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" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
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" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
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" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "
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