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" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

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" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "