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" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

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" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "

" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" I always wanted to write as much as perform. "

" You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. "

" My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in. "

" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "

" Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

" My name has zero value. "

" I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them. "

" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it. "