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" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

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" I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. "

" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "

" My name has zero value. "

" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

" I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. "

" So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation. "

" People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. "

" The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. "

" I always wanted to write as much as perform. "

" You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her. "