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" We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass. "

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" We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman. "

" You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check. "

" Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar. "

" Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home? "

" A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose? "

" I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off. "

" If elected, I will win. "

" People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?' "

" I don't need adult supervision. "

" I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good. "

" Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.' "

" It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies. "

" Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it. "

" So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye. "

" Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up. "

" In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president. "

" The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot. "

" I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.' "

" I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan. "

" Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon. "

" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years! "

" Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. "

" Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.' "

" The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that. "

" I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me. "

" I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird. "

" All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. "

" The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees. "

" I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man. "