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" I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. "
Bette Davis
Kiss
Washed
Ya
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" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "
Kevin Systrom
Photographer
Funny
Before
" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "
Wilson Mizner
Talk
Done
Yourself
" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "
Clint Eastwood
Lightning
They Say
Say
" My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "
Jimmy Durante
Funny
Her
Now
" Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. "
Bernard Sahlins
Things
Funny
Truth
" Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. "
Josh Billings
Like
Funny
Cologne
" Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural. "
Shaquille O'Neal
Time
Funny
Silly
" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "
Pete Davidson
Sad
Way
Hurt
" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "
Robin Williams
Psychic
Funny
Need
" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "
Marilyn Manson
Funny
Because
Me
" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "
Jimmy Kimmel
Boss
Always
Think
" When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. "
Kurt Vonnegut
Try
Think
Done
" I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. "
Stephen King
Funny
You
Turn
" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "
Larry the Cable Guy
Me
You
Know
" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "
Donald McCaig
I Am
Funny
Body
" That's me: an old kazoo with some sparklers. "
Bette Davis
Some
Me
Old
" If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
You
Sit
Me
" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "
Emma Watson
Funny
College
Wise
" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "
Kay Cannon
Women
Think
Moment
" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "
Bill Murray
Myself
Acting
Back
" Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. "
Virat Kohli
Confidence
Look
Action
" Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. "
Alexander Woollcott
Like
Illegal
Funny
" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "
Steve Irwin
Touch
You
Snake
" Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. "
Shah Rukh Khan
Someone
Skin
Others
" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "
George Orwell
Funny
Dirty
Rebellion
" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "
Ricky Gervais
Time
People
Think
" 'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny. "
Megan Fox
Sometimes
Funny
Danger
" Old age is no place for sissies. "
Bette Davis
Sissies
Old
Age
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God
" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "
Tina Yothers
Funny
Me
Halloween