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" I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. "
" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "
" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "
" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "
" My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. "
" Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. "
" Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. "
" Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural. "
" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "
" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "
" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "
" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "
" When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. "
" I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. "
" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "
Larry the Cable Guy
" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "
" That's me: an old kazoo with some sparklers. "
" If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "
" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "
" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "
" Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. "
" Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. "
" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "
" Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. "
Shah Rukh Khan
" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "
" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "
" 'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny. "
" Old age is no place for sissies. "
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "