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" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "

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" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

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Guillermo del Toro

" You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't. "

Garry Shandling

" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "

" You know, what's funny to one person is not at all to someone else. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. "

" I am certain there is too much certainty in the world. "

Michael Crichton

" My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration. "

" To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that's what's really funny - people who think they're doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out. "

" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "

" I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from 'Funny Girl,' 'Oh my man, I love him so, he'll never know...' it hit me. "

" Until I was about 14, I was a fat boy, or at least I looked like a fat boy. I think that being funny was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, so I ended up being a bit of a joker. "

" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "

Arthur C. Clarke

" Cure for an obsession: get another one. "

" Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted. "

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" I looked on my stomach and saw Frieda Rebecca, white as flour with the cream that covers new babies, funny little dark squiggles of hair plastered over her head, with big, dark-blue eyes. "

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" Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. "

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" Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny, and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me. "

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" The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness. "