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" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "

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" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "

" It sounds funny, but I always try to keep an open mind about what I'm writing about. Sometimes I squeak my opinions in there, but generally I don't. I try to be objective about things that I'm writing about. "

John Mellencamp

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "

" Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On 'Parks and Rec,' we've got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don't just effuse to one another and be like, 'Oh, Rob Lowe's really funny,' if he wasn't. "

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

Cathy Guisewite

" Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted. "

" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" Whenever I think of the high salaries we are paid as film actors, I think it is for the travel, the time away, and any trouble you get into through being well known. It's not for the acting, that's for sure. "

" You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. "

" Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but more importantly, the joke has the potential to not be funny to you but to someone else. "

Phoebe Robinson

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny - but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way - there's a lot of people who say, 'I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it.' "

" I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take. "

Anthony Bourdain

" Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. "

" Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. "

" 'I Love You, Man' was kind of funny. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "

Jerome K. Jerome

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' "

Richard Branson

" I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It connects you to the world in a new way. "

" Probably spending 12 years at boarding school - comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Who included me among the ranks of the human race? "

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

Judah Friedlander