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" When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them. "
Kurt Vonnegut
Try
Think
Done
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" That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. "
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" Actually, to be an effective person politically in this country, I think you have to be thirty or over, and also you have to be rich, well-placed, you have to be close to power. And I don't think that young people, because they look young, can do much, as I think they are counterproductive. "
Kurt Vonnegut
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" It was very lucky for me as a writer that I studied the physical sciences rather than English. I wrote for my own amusement. There was no kindly English professor to tell me for my own good how awful my writing really was. And there was no professor with the power to order me what to read, either. "
Kurt Vonnegut
Lucky
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Writing
" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "
George Carlin
First
Person
Left
" Some of the best bad guys in movies are funny and charming. "
Michael Pena
Movies
Bad
Best
" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "
Maz Jobrani
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" We are all born mad. Some remain so. "
Samuel Beckett
Mad
Remain
Some
" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "
Carol Burnett
Way
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Better
" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "
Demetri Martin
Funny
You
Then
" It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' "
Garrett Hedlund
Look
Funny
Face
" When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' "
Susan Sarandon
Kind
You
Say
" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "
Robin Williams
Funny
Agree
Right
" I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference. "
Conor McGregor
Me
See
Difference
" If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "
Laurence J. Peter
Try
Two
Three
" Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. "
P. J. O'Rourke
Important
More
Cleanliness
" I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Myself
Being Myself
People
" I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. "
Robert Benchley
Know
Great
Nothing
" Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up. "
Meghan Markle
Children
Day
Funny
" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "
Robert Osborne
You
Fast
Funny
" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "
Margaret Smith
Man
Looking
You
" Human beings will be happier - not when they cure cancer or get to Mars or eliminate racial prejudice or flush Lake Erie but when they find ways to inhabit primitive communities again. That's my utopia. "
Kurt Vonnegut
Lake
Utopia
Racial
" I'm crazy, funny, and good looking! "
Alex Wolff
Crazy
Funny
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" My cash cows, the slick magazines, were put out of business by TV. "
Kurt Vonnegut
Cash
Business
TV
" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "
Matthew Desmond
Funny
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Life
" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "
Paula Deen
Funny
Laugh
Haters
" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "
Billy Connolly
Army
See
Always
" All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it. "
Rickie Fowler
Day
Work
Think
" This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. "
Oscar Wilde
Will
Suspense
Last
" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "
Don Rickles
Were
People
Mean
" Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. "
Hedy Lamarr
Look
Girl
Funny