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" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

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" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. "

" Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" We are all born mad. Some remain so. "

" We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. "

" If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. "

" I've had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn't get educated in school. So we try to lay on a bit of that, through being funny, being serious, playing hard. "

Bruce Springsteen

" It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

" To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. "

Adlai E. Stevenson

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

" I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. "

" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "

" My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. "

" I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. "

" I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits. "