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All Quotes by author - Dave Barry
" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "
Golf
Open
Today
" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "
American
Fat
Problem
" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "
Looking
West
Try
" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "
Child
Afraid
Than
" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "
Car
Upside Down
Boring
" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "
Never
Business
Taxes
" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
Know
Rich
Today
" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "
Business
Nature
Motel
" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "
Nothing
Always
Car
" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "
Words
You
Wish
" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
Coffee
Rice
Only
" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "
Oregon
Miles
Anything
" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
Then
You
Fishing
" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "
Playing
Always
Ball
" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "
Ireland
Island
Rural
" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
Gravity
Falling
Accidents
" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "
Simple
Women
Thinking
" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "
Person
Always
Keep
" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "
Me
People
Religion
" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "
I Am
Only
Purpose
" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "
Good
Become
Children
" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "
Cute
God
Concerned
" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "
You
Race
Meetings
" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
You
Everything
Enough
" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "
You
Nothing
Baby
" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
War
Been
Fan
" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "
Tell
You
High School
" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "
Right
You
Stupid
" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "
Here
Case
Care
" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "
Will
Travel
Rain
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