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" I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows. "

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" You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody. "

" I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them. "

" When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers. "

" I always wanted to write as much as perform. "

" I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America. "

" Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. "

" Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult. "

" Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting. "

" The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things. "

" It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. "

" I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. "

" Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. "

" My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in. "

" The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either. "

" I like guy stuff. "

" My name has zero value. "

" I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ. "

" I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself. "

" I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit. "

" For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor. "

" I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian. "

" Everybody's funny in different ways. "

" I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway. "

" If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material. "

" I was a class clown. "

" I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be. "

" I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any. "

" With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs. "

" Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it. "

" I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it. "