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" It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. "

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" I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. "

" We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "

Charles Kettering

" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

" Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble. "

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

William Lyon Phelps

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" I am interested in shows that are not out-and-out gag fests: you see the truth of a broken heart behind them. That is what life is like: it's really funny, you see funny things as soon as you step out of the room, but underneath that is a whole bag of broken hearts. It's that real pain and that real hilarity that makes life so intriguing. "

" I learned more from my dad by osmosis than by any talk we ever had. He was the most reliable person I've ever met. "

" If I get dressed up, and my boyfriend says, 'You look gorgeous,' I kinda feel funny. I don't know if I'm particularly comfortable with being attractive. "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning. "

" Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" On a day-to-day level, I love watching my kids accomplish the little things that seem trivial but are really milestones: seeing my son hit a baseball or watching my daughter draw something that actually looks like what she says she's drawing. Or hearing them say 'I love you.' "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "

Jerome K. Jerome

" But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what others have seen for a long time and I'm just so glad I've been able to get to this point. "

" I don't think I'm all that interesting. I mean, I'm a guy who does a morning show and goes to bed at 9:00 every night. I mean, I don't have a lot in my life that's really fascinated or fodder for tabloids. "

" I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "