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" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Stuck
She
Got
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" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "
Rodney Dangerfield
Bartender
Me
Know
" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Honest
Luck
Running
" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Used
Feed
Ugly
" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Lot
Kid
" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Opinion
Me
You
" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Real
Tough
Some
" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Her
Wife
Up
" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fight
Sports
Out
" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Like
Looking
Halloween
" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Hide
Emotions
Time
" My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Calendar
Know
Wife
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Came
Wallet
Picture
" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Reading
Library
Face
" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Tree
Up
" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Met
Years
Wife
" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Hope
World
Seventy
" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Big
Ask
" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Got
Pet
Egypt
" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Bowl
Life
Just
" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Born
Morning
Had
" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Together
Marriage
Dinner
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Day
Me
" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Morning
Hear
Laughing
" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Kept
Covering
Up
" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Said
Day
" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Got
Arm
Favorite
" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Girl
Myself
Last Night
" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Tree
Up
Family
" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Yellow
Teeth
" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
Rodney Dangerfield
General
Surgeon
Met