Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Dark
Wife
Related Quotes:
" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Reading
Library
Face
" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "
Rodney Dangerfield
Nothing
Night
Wife
" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fat
Only
Funny
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Wife
She
Sex
" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Met
Years
Wife
" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Like
Looking
Halloween
" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Used
Feed
Ugly
" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Electric
Chair
Uncle
" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Met
Me
He
" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Him
Birds
Me
" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Friend
She
" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Said
Day
" I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Tree
Up
Family
" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Real
Tough
Some
" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Lot
Kid
" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Her
Wife
Up
" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Medical
Born
Doctor
" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Find
Clock
Big
" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Life
Food
My Life
" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Opinion
Me
You
" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Sexy
Me
Home
" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Yellow
Teeth
" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Bowl
Life
Just
" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage
She
Tough
" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Birthday
Woman
Respect
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Day
Me
" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Honest
Luck
Running
" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Morning
Hear
Laughing
" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Got
Pet
Egypt
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Came
Wallet
Picture