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" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Him
Birds
Me
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" Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. "
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" I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
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" I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
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" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
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" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
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" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
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" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "
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" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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" My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. "
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