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" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "

Rodney Dangerfield

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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "

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" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "

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" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "

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" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "

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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "

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" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

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" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "

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" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "

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" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "

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" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "

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" When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. "

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" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "

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" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "

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" A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. "

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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "

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" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "

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" With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! "

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" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "

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" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

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" At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't. "

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" With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "

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" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "

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" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "

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" Life is just a bowl of pits. "

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" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "

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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "

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" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "

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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "

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" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "

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