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" We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Together
Marriage
Dinner
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" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
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" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
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" When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
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" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
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" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
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" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
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" I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. "
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" I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
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" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
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" I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. "
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" My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. "
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" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
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Parents
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" My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. "
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Me
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" I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
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Tree
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" I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "
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Fight
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Out
" What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. "
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Him
Birds
Me
" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
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Drinking
Know
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" My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. "
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She
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" I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
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" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
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" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
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Two
Truth
Me
" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
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Born
Morning
Had
" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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Wife
She
Sex
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
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She
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" Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
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" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "
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" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
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Bowl
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" My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. "
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