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" My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Born
Morning
Had
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" I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. "
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Reading
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" My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. "
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Wife
She
Sex
" Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' "
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Bartender
Me
Know
" My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Came
Wallet
Picture
" My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. "
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Calendar
Know
Wife
" One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
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Control
Birth
Boy
" I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "
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Goodness
Wife
Good
" I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. "
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Met
Me
He
" It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. "
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Marriage
She
Tough
" My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. "
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Met
Years
Wife
" I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. "
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Drinking
Know
Juice
" What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Got
Arm
Favorite
" When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Lot
Kid
" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Life
Food
My Life
" On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
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Like
Looking
Halloween
" Life is just a bowl of pits. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Bowl
Life
Just
" My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Stuck
She
Got
" I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Parents
Bath
Tell
" If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Sex
Life
" I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Drink
Too Much
Time
" My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Electric
Chair
Uncle
" This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Morning
Hear
Laughing
" My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Find
Clock
Big
" I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Me
Yellow
Teeth
" My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. "
Rodney Dangerfield
She
Day
Me
" I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Pet
Big
Ask
" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Honest
Luck
Running
" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Fat
Only
Funny
" Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Hide
Emotions
Time
" I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. "
Rodney Dangerfield
Two
Truth
Me