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" Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled. "

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" If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. "

" There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. "

" The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. "

" Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. "

" Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. "

" Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. "

" Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. "

" It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. "

" I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. "

" It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. "

" The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. "

" The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. "

" When in doubt tell the truth. "

" In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had. "

" Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. "

" Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. "

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" Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. "

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" Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. "

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" It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. "

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" The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word. "