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" Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. "

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" Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. "

" Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. "

" Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. "

" A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. "

" An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. "

" It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts. "

" If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. "

" I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. "

" What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. "

" I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times. "

" In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing. "

" Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. "

" If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. "

" The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got. "

" There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail. "

" There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. "

" The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking. "

" When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states. "

" Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. "

" The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer. "

" There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in. "

" Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln. "

" This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. "

" When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs. "

" Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. "

" People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. "

" One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide. "

" The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. "

" Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? "

" The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?' "