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" One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide. "

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" A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries. "

" What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. "

" The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you. "

" Never let yesterday use up too much of today. "

" A fool and his money are soon elected. "

" The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer. "

" One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials. "

" Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. "

" Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious. "

" If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. "

" Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff. "

" I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. "

" Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? "

" All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. "

" Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do. "

" The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you. "

" Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. "

" Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. "

" Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans. "

" I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times. "

" Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. "

" The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?' "

" I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. "

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. "

" We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can. "

" Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there. "

" In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time. "