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" The United States never lost a war or won a conference. "

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" This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. "

" The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?' "

" Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth. "

" People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide. "

" Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction. "

" The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. "

" When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs. "

" On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. "

" If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing. "

" The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. "

" Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. "

" Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. "

" If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. "

" I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. "

" An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. "

" Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans. "

" Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse. "

" So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way. "

" Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs. "

" I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. "

" In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time. "

" There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. "

" Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do. "

" Prohibition is better than no liquor at all. "

" An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. "

" Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. "

" People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. "

" The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. "