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" Things ain't what they used to be and never were. "

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" I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. "

" Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. "

" If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. "

" We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by. "

" Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. "

" You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way. "

" America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there. "

" The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it. "

" A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries. "

" People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument. "

" I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. "

" Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln. "

" All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. "

" An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's. "

" Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. "

" Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far. "

" The best way out of a difficulty is through it. "

" An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. "

" When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur. "

" Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches. "

" When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs. "

" Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? "

" The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got. "

" Politics is applesauce. "

" Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. "

" Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. "

" In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time. "

" Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation. "