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" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

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" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "

" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "