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" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

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" I am two with nature. "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "