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" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

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" That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. "

" Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. "

" All generalizations are false, including this one. "

Generalizations

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

" They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? "

" It's funny: the one time I got star-struck was when I met Snoop Dogg. I gave him a hug and said, 'I love you, man.' "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

Judah Friedlander

" You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't. "

Garry Shandling

" There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" A man is known by the silence he keeps. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.' "

" Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. "

" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. "

" We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know? "

" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends' eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family - my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up. "

" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "

" I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. "