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" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

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" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "