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" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

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" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Children make your life important. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "