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" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

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" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Children make your life important. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "

" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "