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" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "

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" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Children make your life important. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "