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" God created man, but I could do better. "

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" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "

" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

" People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. "

" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "

" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "