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" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "

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" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "

" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. "

" God created man, but I could do better. "

" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "

" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "

" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "

" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "

" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "

" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "

" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "

" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "