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" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "

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" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "

" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "

" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "

" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "

" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "

" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "

" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "

" Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "

" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "

" Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. "

" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "

" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "

" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "

" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "

" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "

" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "

" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "

" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

" Never have more children than you have car windows. "

" Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. "

" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "

" Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. "

" How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "

" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "

" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "

" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "

" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "

" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "

Raising Children

" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

" Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "