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" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

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" I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. "

Seann William Scott

" You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks. "

Wendi McLendon-Covey

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. "

" Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book. "

" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "

Jean de la Bruyere

" I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. "

" When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding. "

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

" It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. "

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" I comment on my friends' things; whatever they post, I post funny posts. I don't post anything that's too sad or mad, or at least not for too long. And I'm usually just a happy person! Silly - people would describe me as silly and crazy and fun. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" I think serial monogamy says it all. "

" I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke. "

" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "

" People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. "

" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "

" If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. "

George Bernard Shaw

" Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. "

" The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. "

" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" It's funny because I want my teeth to be, like, neon 'Real Housewives' white, but mine have stopped taking to teeth whitening. When I talk to my dentist, I'm like, 'They can be that white,' and he's like, 'Veneers can be that white.' "

Christine Teigen

" I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family. "

Paula Poundstone

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "

" It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' "