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" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

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" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration. "

" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "

Donella Meadows

" It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. "

Chuck Palahniuk

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent, characters that refuse to grow up. And yet, if you look back in the history of comedy all the way back to the Marx brothers, that's a big part of comedy. "

" For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. "

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone. "

" I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" Mothers are all slightly insane. "

" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "

" It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. "

" Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. "

" I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. "

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "

" Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. "

" I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips. "

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure. "

Chuck Palahniuk

" Everyone who has ever met me for at least five minutes knows I'm a really funny person. I love to laugh and to make people laugh, so writing comedy comes naturally to me. "

" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "